Driving in Australia
Funeral Cortege Etiquette: Follow That Hearse
Nobody likes going to funerals. For a start off, you’re dealing with having lost someone you knew, or you’re there to support a friend who’s lost someone. Then you have to dress up in smart, dark clothing, head off to a church or chapel that you may not be familiar with, sit on uncomfortable seats and hope like mad that half a billion relatives don’t stand up and give interminable eulogies. Then you’ve got the trip to the graveside, following the hearse.
This procession of cars behind a hearse going from the church/mosque/chapel/synagogue/other significant ceremonial place is known as a cortege. Or cortège if you want the fancy French spelling. This is supposed to be a stately procession. The idea here is that the hearse leads the way, usually taking the minister/priest/rabbi and the coffin. The chief mourners (i.e. immediate family) will come next in the procession. To take part in the cortege, set out from the chapel or wherever the funeral was held and follow the hearse. Don’t dawdle.
When you are driving in the cortege, you get to have your headlights on dip during the day (here’s where you hope you can override those automatically dipping headlights). Also don’t forget to turn your headlights off when you get to the cemetery or everybody will get a flat battery. Don’t overtake other people in the procession and let the hearse set the pace.
Well, in most situations, you let the hearse set the pace. At my father-in-law’s funeral, we (a) had quite a long way to go to get to the cemetery, (b) had a hearse with a fairly powerful engine and (c) had a petrol-head vicar who might have been egging the hearse driver on. I don’t know how fast that hearse was going, but my husband didn’t half have to plant the boot in the Ford Fairmont we had back then to keep up with the hearse. Other family members struggled to keep up the pace and one bunch of my in-laws who had a less zesty Honda Odyssey MPV were Not Impressed. It would have been a traffic cop’s dream situation: a whole line of people all over the speed limit, quota of speeding tickets filled in one day and a great story about I Clocked A Hearse Doing 120+ To The Cemetery.
What if you are not part of the funeral procession? What’s the best thing to do when you see a long line of cars with their headlights on dip containing drivers in dark suits following a hearse? These days, you probably need to check to make sure that it isn’t just a bunch of car-pooling businesspeople with daytime running lights, but usually the presence of a hearse, children in the car and several cars that are too old to have daytime running lights are a bit of a giveaway.
What you may not know if you see a funeral procession is that you have to give way to it. This means all the cars in the procession. In New South Wales, it’s actually against the law to break into the funeral procession, cut in or otherwise interfere with the smooth process of getting mourners to the graveside on time for the final part of saying goodbye. Even if it wasn’t the law, it’s common decency and respect for others.
You can see why if you can imagine the same situation taking place on foot. If you saw the minister and the pallbearers carrying the coffin on foot along a walkway, followed by black-clad grieving relatives wielding tissues, you wouldn’t overtake them and get into the procession if you were approaching from the rear. (In other words, overtaking Cousin Hannah with all the kids in tow so you walk between her and Cousin Jeff before overtaking Cousin Jeff and Uncle Timothy…) If you were approaching them at right angles, you wouldn’t barge straight on through them, getting in the way. The same rules of courtesy apply when you are in a car rather than on foot. Dipped headlights are the motoring equivalent of black clothes, tissues and flags at half-mast. Respect them.
Unfortunately, a number of people have reported rude drivers cutting in to funeral processions, either by not giving way to them or by overtaking and interrupting the procession. Obviously, traffic lights don’t count (if the hearse driver has any sense, he/she will drop the speed so other members of the procession can keep up and not get lost.).
If you do lose sight of the rest of the cortege, your phone will come in handy (hands-free if you’re the driver). Cemeteries are usually located outside central business areas and may involve obscure suburban streets. Having another relative with the phone on in other cars will help if you do get lost or separated from the rest of the procession. Just don’t forget to turn it off when you get to the cemetery.
If you are not part of the procession, then give way. Pull over and let them pass you if you accidentally find yourself in the middle of a cortege. Yes, it’s inconvenient and you don’t want to. However, the people in the procession don’t want to be there either and they’re going through a lot more inconvenience than you. If you’re late for a meeting, your clients/boss/co-workers understand (even if it’s a job interview, this might earn you points for courtesy). Or go around another way if you’re really in a hurry. Yes, life is busy these days. But it’s not so busy that you can’t be respectful of other people’s feelings and show some respect.
Have other people had experiences with funeral processions that were interrupted by rude drivers cutting in? Or any other examples of a cortege that didn’t quite go according to the textbook plan? Share your stories here.
Safe and happy driving,
Megan
Equipping The Perfect Parent’s Taxi
If you have children over school age, you probably have to ferry them around to school, sports, parties, activities and heaps more. What’s more, given our busy schedules these days, it’s usually all done in a rush. Or at least getting everybody into the car with everything they’re supposed to have is done in a rush. Traffic lights and speed limits stop the actual driving being done in a rush.
Oh, the freedom that comes when your teenager gets their P-plate and can take themselves to activities! Strange that they’re probably thinking the same thing.
However, while the madness is going on, it’s a wise idea to have your car well equipped with everything that you might need. All those family-sized SUVs, station wagons and MPVs come with stacks of storage space, so you may as well take advantage of it and put the stuff you are going to need in into it. Careful planning will mean that your car and what’s in it will help save your sanity.
The well-equipped Mum’s Taxi or Dad’s Taxi should have the following:
- Easily stored food that can be fed to small sports players after training who forgot to pack a post-training snack. This helps fend off the whingeing to visit McDonalds and grizzles fuels by low blood sugar. Dried fruit and nuts store well. If you have a diabetic in the family, a good supply of barley sugars, jelly beans or little sachets of sugar picked up in cafés are another must.
- A first aid kit with plenty of sticking plasters. Vital when some kid decides to kill time at the traffic lights by picking off a scab and bleeding all over the place.
- Paracetamol or aspirin. Make sure it’s the sort that doesn’t need to be taken in water.
- A spare jacket or sweatshirt, preferably several. Inevitably, there will come a day when it suddenly buckets down with a southerly buster and someone failed to bring warm clothes. Sometimes, that person is you.
- A few grooming tools – hairbrush or comb and a few hair ties. If you’re really in a hurry in the mornings and you have girls with long hair, the girls can brush their own hair in the car while travelling along. For that matter, so can you (not recommended if one member of the family has headlice).
- Books to keep the troops amused if you break down or have to wait for ages for the road works. Large thin ones that tuck into back-of-the-seat pockets are easy to store. Have several handy to avoid squabbles.
- Wipes. For dealing with the blood after putting a bandage on the child who picked off the scab. Also good for cleaning faces.
- Hand sanitiser. Even if you find a public toilet when some child is busting to pee, said toilet may not have soap. Enough said.
- A travel potty. For when you are stuck in traffic on the M1 or Sydney Harbour Bridge or whatever and someone needs to pee. It sounds disgusting but it’s a lot better than having someone wet their pants, as the smell will linger in the seat for ages. Just remember to empty it at the end of your journey. For Number 1 only, not Number 2.
- A towel. For cleaning up vomit if someone throws up, for wiping down fogged windscreens, for protecting seats if someone fell into the mud at the park, for folding into a neck support when someone falls asleep, for using as a blanket… If you were into the sci-fi cult classic Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, then you’ll have heard of the usefulness of towels. Like Ford Prefect, know where your towel is. (Question: the alien Ford Prefect in that series adopted that name because these cars were so common on the roads. If the late Douglas Adams was writing his series today, what would he have called this character? Toyota Corolla?).
Safe and happy driving, whether or not you’re on Parent Taxi duty,
Megan
Stereotypes: The Granny Hatch
Usually seen: In driveways or garages of little cottages or units, supermarket carparks in the middle of the day, outside charity shops.
Typical examples: Suzuki Swift , Fiat Uno, Honda Jazz .
Description:
(Disclaimer: although this car is referred to as a granny hatch, it could equally be driven by Grandpa. However, given the life expectancy stats for the sexes, it’s more likely that the lone elderly driver will be female.)
Granny hatchbacks are, of course, hatchbacks, usually of the three-doored variety, unless Granny has taken to breeding dogs in her semi-retirement, in which case she will have a five-door to let the doggies in and out. Even if she isn’t a dog breeder, there is a high chance that there will be something small, fluffy and yappy bouncing up and down on the rear seat when Granny is in the supermarket picking up the groceries.
Granny does her best on a small pension, so frugality is the name of the game. When she does get down to the garage where the attendant will fill up the tank for her, she doesn’t want a nasty bill at the end of it, especially as she remembers the days when fuel was a lot less than a dollar a litre (the price of things these days….). The hatchback will have a teeny weeny engine and superb fuel economy – the engine size will never be over 2.5 litres. The granny hatch of today may be a hybrid or even an electric car. However, the granny hatch has probably been Granny’s faithful form of transport for years. In some cases, the car even has a name.
There is probably a pillow on the driver’s seat to supplement any lumbar support in the seats. Apart from this, you will not find much floating around in the cabin. Inspection of the glovebox and other storage compartments will reveal a very well-thumbed map that is somewhat yellowed and softened with age, with some bits rubbed off where the creases have been folded and unfolded for years. The map is probably also out-of-date and doesn’t have the bypass leading to the new subdivision on the edge of town. You will also find a packet of old-fashioned wrapped sweets, such as barley sugars or Lifesaver mints, a box of tissues and a few loose coins just in case. . If Granny is particularly old-fashioned, there may be a pair of driving gloves. Some cars have a strategically placed plastic bag for used tissues and sweet wrappers. Recent additions may include a doggy seatbelt to comply with the new dogs in cars laws in some states
When Granny passes on to a better world or becomes incapable of driving, used car salespeople will rub their hands in glee at the prospect of being able to sell a car that really has had one little old lady owner. However, prospective buyers ought to be aware that if this really is the truth, the engine won’t have had much hot running and the clutch has seen a lot of action and may be a bit worn.
Of course, not all grannies drive little hatchbacks. My late grandmother bought herself an Alfa Romeo sports car when she reached her 70s. Unfortunately, I didn’t get it in her legacy (I got the collection of vintage clothing).
Safe and happy driving,
Megan
Windscreen Washing Fluid DIY
One of the many signs on the dashboard of my Volvo is flickering on and off at the moment, but I probably don’t need to worry about it. This is because I do know the real meaning (rather than the silly meanings ) of my dashboard lights and the thing that’s showing is the one for the windscreen wiper fluid. It’s only showing when I go up or down slopes, suggesting that the liquid is slopping up and down, leaving the sensor high and dry momentarily.
Of course, no light on your dashboard should be ignored indefinitely and all the fluids need to be kept topped up. The last thing I want is to have my vision obscured by a lot of moth residue or a collection of marks created by (1) a bird sitting on or just above the car, (2) the cat sneaking up on said bird by way of the car roof and (3) the mess left by the bird as it takes off with the cat leaping at it. So it’s going to be top-up time very soon. The choice then will be what to use to fill the tank of window washing fluid up. And there are a lot of options!
Option #1: Proprietary Windscreen Washing Fluid
This is the easy option that a lot of us opt for. You whip down to the local automotive supplies shop and pick up a bottle of something designed for washing windscreens. Follow the instructions on the packet and there we go. The advantage of this method is that it will do the job properly and get the bugs and dirt off your windscreen with minimal effort or streaking. The disadvantage is that it’s the costliest option.
Option #2: Ordinary Window Cleaning Fluid
If you already have a bottle of fluid designed for cleaning windows and glass around your house, you can use this for topping up your windscreen washer fluid. Your windscreen is glass, isn’t it? You don’t need to use this at full strength, as this will prove rather costly. Dilute it with ordinary water at a ratio of one part window cleaning fluid to two parts water. Shake well and put it into your reservoir. The advantage of this is that it will clean without streaking and it’s probably cheaper than using “proper” windscreen fluid (although it’s probably chemically identical). You can also use what you have around the home or what you can pick up at the supermarket without making a special trip to the automotive supplies shop (although there goes your excuse for paying a visit there!).
Option #3: Dishwashing Liquid
This is the real El Cheapo option for those who don’t want to spend more on their cars than they have to – or who want to keep their car care budget for more exciting items. This is also what gets used by those petrol stations that helpfully provide a bucket of something slightly bubbly and a squeegee (a cross between a scrubbing brush and a wiper blade). It’s also used by those annoying roving windscreen washers who lie in wait at traffic lights trying to get a few dollars off you. It’s cheap and it washes off the bugs but it’s likely to leave a bit of streaking. Use a wee squirt of dishwashing liquid to a litre of water – just a few drops for your reservoir or you will get a windscreen covered in bubbles, which is a real nuisance.
Option #4: Vinegar
Vinegar is for the greenies out there who want to use something from a sustainable source that doesn’t produce nasty toxins. You probably don’t want to use vinegar straight, but it’s best mixed at a one-to-one ratio with water. Cheap and doesn’t streak, but may not be the most effective at cleaning off bugs, as it needs a bit more elbow grease or wiper action to work.
Option #5: Vodka Or Rubbing Alcohol
Another one for the green minded. Mixed at a one-to-one ratio with water, it’s pretty good at dissolving off dirt, and it evaporates without any streaking. Might be a bit on the pricey side and many people might think it’s a waste of vodka. It may also get you some funny looks from the boys and girls in blue if you go through a checkpoint shortly after applying it to your windscreen, as it will leave a rather strong alcoholic smell. (“Honestly, officer, it’s the windscreen washer fluid you can smell. I haven’t been drinking. No, seriously. Hey!!! I WANT MY LAWYER!”)
Option #6: Just Plain Water
The cheapest and the greenest option of them all. It also doesn’t streak. The only problem is that it’s not super-efficient at removing gunk off your windscreen, especially if there’s a bit of gunk or grease involved. A bit more wiper action will be needed to shift the remains of the flies if you opt for just water. In colder parts of the world, it can also freeze up. If you are in a hard water area or somewhere where the local council dumps heaps of chlorine in your tap water, you can also be left with deposits building up in the system and blocking the pipes, which results in an expensive fix.
So what will I be doing? I’m still trying to decide whether I’ll use vinegar, ordinary window cleaner or dishwashing liquid, with the vinegar and the ordinary window cleaner being the two most attractive, as streaking can be a visibility hazard at the beginning and end of the day, when I’m most likely to be behind the wheel.
Safe and happy driving,
Megan
Level 2, 9 Help Street