Driving in Australia
Australia’s Least Wanted Drivers (In Car Parks, Anyway)
The following are the drivers we least want to see in carparks in our local shopping malls or similar. Give them all a great big raspberry!
#1 Able-Bodied Amanda
Amanda can be found parking in the disabled park, even though there is nothing the matter with her. She’s “only going in for a minute and nobody uses the disabled car park anyway”. Nobody, that is, except at least half a dozen people in any typical urban neighbourhood, who all fume at Amanda as she makes them take their wheelchairs from the other side of the carpark. One day, they will be rolling past as she gets back into her car and she will wish she could bury herself in a large hole.
A close relative of Able-Bodied Amanda is Childless Charlotte, who takes up the parents-of-small-children parks in a similar fashion.
Do not confuse Able-Bodied Amanda with the drivers who have disabilities that are less than visible and legitimately park in the disabled carpark.
#2 Jovial Joe
Jovial Joe is more likely to be found in the car parks of supermarkets in small towns. Joe knows everybody and loves to stop for a good old yarn. This sees him stopping his Toyota Hilux ute in the middle of the non-parking bits of the carpark (you can’t really call them roads but you know what I mean) and rolling down the window to have a long chat to Garrulous Gary. Alternatively, he will stand with the door of his ute open, taking up the car park beside him as well as the one his ute’s in while Chatty Charlie beside him does the same, thus taking up yet another car park. Small-town carparks are not huge.
Just be thankful you’re not waiting for Jovial Joe to move his ute away from the bowser at the petrol station while he’s in talking to the attendant.
#3 SUV Sarah
SUV Sarah is in the running for Super Mum Of The Year and wants everyone to know it. She drives a softroader SUV with all the bells and whistles (e.g. Audi Q7) to keep the kiddies safe. If she could put all those front and rear parking sensors to better use, her ownership of this large vehicle would not be a problem. As it is, she always seems to take up three spaces, or even five when the doors of the SUV are thrown open.
You could blame the designers of the carparks – some of them do seem to have been thinking of teeny tiny classic Minis or Fiat 500s when painting the lines designating the parking spaces.
#4 Squealing Simon
Squealing Simon is more of an urban nuisance and is often found on the upper floors of car parking buildings. Squealing Simon has seen too many movies involving shoot-outs or car chase scenes set in car parking buildings and is trying to emulate them. The end result is that you come up the ramp trying to find a park where you’re not likely to be collected by SUV Sarah, Wonky Wilma or Learner Larry (or if you are Wonky Wilma or Learner Larry trying to minimise your nuisance value), you will be suddenly confronted by screeching tyres and a revving engine attached to something that narrowly misses him.
#5 Learner Larry
Learner Larry is forgivable but still a nuisance. Learner Larry has the L-plates carefully in place and is learning how to park a car properly. Larry is very, very new at this and is terrified that he is going to hit the fancy new Mercedes behind him, so he goes v-e-e-e-r-y s-l-o-o-o-o-w-l-y. The long line of other drivers waiting for him to finish his manoeuvre only adds to his nerves and makes him take it even more slowly. Try not to honk your horn at him.
However irritating he is, Learner Larry is preferable to the closely related P-Plate Peter, who thinks he knows it all, forgets he’s not in Mum’s vehicle with all the sensors and cameras, and goes careening backwards into your bumper.
#6 Wonky Wilma
Wonky Wilma is not spatially gifted. She never gets the angle exactly right for getting into an angle park (don’t ask about what her parallel parking is like). At least seven times out of ten, she will not be in the right place in the parking space. She will be right up close to the white line, making it impossible for you to open your door without taking her paint off or she will be straddling the white line and hoping nobody else comes along. Sometimes, she’s in the space on a slight diagonal rather than straight, but at least that’s not going to be a problem for others in the car park… until it’s time for her to back out.
#7 Canine Carrie
Canine Carrie loves dogs. She owns several of them and takes them with her wherever she goes. She would take them into the supermarket with her on her frequent trips to buy dog sausage and other treats for her precious fur-kids. However, this is not permitted, so she leaves them in the car, with the window open so they don’t overheat, of course. As she leaves, the furry tribe breaks into a volley of barking caused by separation anxiety. When she is doing her shopping, further barking breaks out every time anyone walks within 10 metres of the car. Little noses with sharp little teeth will appear in the gap at the top of the window as her smallest dog (the one that has the Napoleon complex) tries to defend the vehicle with everything in his tiny little body. The car can be seen wobbling as the dogs rush to and fro for a better vantage spot for barking at passers-by. The dogs go berserk when Carrie comes back, increasing the amount of barking and wobbling.
The advantage of Canine Carrie is that her dogs provide you with entertainment while you wait for Learner Larry to finish manoeuvring.
#8 Trailer Trevor
Trailer Trevor is a hard-working contractor who just needs to pick up supplies from the hardware store or grab a few groceries for the wife on the way home from a job (might as well make use of the fact that the run to and from work all goes in the log book as a work trip even if you grab the shopping on the way). However, he’s got his trailer hitched to the Nissan Navara. He’d like to find a pair of parking spaces nose to nose that will let him park with the minimum of nuisance; he really would. However, such parks are not available, forcing him to take up a long line of parking spaces as he parks sideways.
Any additions to this list are most welcome. Or not welcome, as the case may be.
Safe and happy driving,
Megan (self-confessed Wonky Wilma)
Thoughts On Night Driving
Daylight Savings has come to an end in New South Wales and all the other states crazy enough to fiddle around with clocks for no real reason. This means that a lot of us are going to end up doing a bit more night-time driving.
It’s hard to say whether driving at night or driving during the day is better. During the daytime, you don’t have the issue about out-driving how far you can see (you know – the situation where your stopping distance is, say, 100 metres and you can only see 90 metres: not good). However, during the night, you are less distracted by billboards and other things on the side of the road that compete for your attention when you really ought to have your eyes on the road ahead.
Driving when it’s dark has other advantages. Because most other drivers have their headlights on, you can spot them more easily at a distance. It’s particularly good when you’re coming up to an intersection: you can see the lights of an oncoming car approaching from the side even if there is a whacking big fence that would normally block your view of the other road. Similarly, you also get a hint that something’s coming up the other side of the hill or around the corner, especially if there’s a wee bit of a haze in the air.
However, headlights have their hazards. For one thing, it can be a bit tricky to estimate the distance of an oncoming car when all you have to go by is a bright light and next to no parallax for your binocular vision to work on. If you’re a more cautious driver, like me, you tend to think that things are much closer than they really are so you don’t overtake and end up waiting for ages and thinking that you could have nipped past that slowpoke with the caravan anyway. If you’re over-confident, then you end up having some very close calls when you realise that what you thought was an oncoming vehicle so far off that the two lights looked like one was actually a motorbike.
You also have the problem with being dazzled. Modern headlights are beautifully bright and don’t use an awful lot of power to produce plenty of lumens (that’s the official unit of how much light something gives; candelas and lux are other options but that’s beside the point). That’s great if you happen to be the driver of a vehicle with said modern headlights. If you are the driver of the car facing the other way, you’re left blinking and dazzled. And that’s even if the headlights have been dipped in some cases. If they haven’t been dipped, you’ll be seeing nothing but the headlights and then the greenish after-images for some time afterwards. Not good if you’re keeping an eye out for your turn-off.
We all know that we’re supposed to dip our headlights but there is a bit of confusion about exactly when to dip them. Ok, the official rules say that you have to dip them when you’re 200 metres behind the vehicle in front or if you’re 200 metres away from an oncoming car. But how do you tell 200 metres in the middle of nowhere when you’ve got nothing much to estimate distance by? It’s not exactly time to start counting the white lines in the middle of the road and using these as a rough estimate. It’s probably best to dip them sooner rather than later out of courtesy – the chances that there’s a roo or a pedestrian on the road in that little gap between where your lights reach and where the other driver’s lights reach are pretty low.
Even 200 metres behind may be too close in the case of some drivers. I remember vividly the time that a large 4×4 came up behind the Ford Fairmont I had at the time and kept the lights on full beam even though he/she was much closer than 200 metres. Even fiddling around with the rear vision mirror didn’t stop me getting dazzled – grrr!
What do you do if you’re dazzled? Ideally, you’re supposed to pull over until your eyes clear (here’s hoping there isn’t a car or a signpost between you and the kerb or the shoulder of the road that you can’t see thanks to being dazzled). You can also avoid being dazzled by an oncoming car if you look to the side of them (i.e. to the left lane ahead of you). This is easier said than done, seeing as the human eye naturally locks onto light, especially in the darkness.
Of course, the real problem with Daylight Savings changeovers and with night driving in general is the problem with fatigue. If you feel yourself getting light headed while your eyelids get heavy and the corners of your mind fill with red fog, don’t be a stupid berk. Pull over and have a catnap.
Safe and happy driving,
Megan
How To Eat While Driving
Note bad choice of food – and not just from a health perspective!
This is an article that you would never find written in French. Or, if you did, it would consist of only one word: Don’t. There is a reason why French cars such as Citroens don’t come with cup holders. According to French thinking, food is to be savoured and given one’s full attention rather than wolfed down on the go while driving. Well, there’s a lot to say for that point of view. However, if you’ve got a busy schedule, you could very easily find yourself eating on the run behind the wheel. In fact, if you’re doing a long drive or if you do a lot of running around, eating behind the wheel could actually make you a safer driver. I know that when the old blood sugar is running a bit low, I tend to feel cranky and irritable, get clumsy and not think straight (no, I do not have Type 1 diabetes). So having a bit of a nibble while doing the Mum’s Taxi thing is a real sanity saver, if not a life saver.
There is an art to eating while driving. You want to be able to do it safely so you main focus of attention goes on the road. You also want to be able to do it cleanly, without getting bits of sandwich filling all over the car. Ideally, you also want to do it healthily. So how?
Clever snack planning is the key. You need to look out for something that doesn’t involve too much unwrapping or peeling, and something that can be stored on your lap or within easy reach so you can put it down between bites or whenever you need to use both hands (bench seats are great for this!). You also want to avoid things that drip, spill, squish or come to bits. Lastly, in at least a token gesture towards the French attitude towards food, it’s best to have something that’s not so special that it really deserves your full attention.
So what snacks are suitable for munching behind the wheel? Here’s a small selection:
- Shelled nuts in a packet (my go-to favourite driving snack)
- Dried fruit
- Fresh fruit that can be just bitten into and isn’t too drippy. Apples are good.
- Chocolate bar
- Beef jerky
- Fresh vegetables such as cherry tomatoes or carrot sticks
- Crackers and biscuits
- Unwrapped sweets such as marshmallows (if you have to!)
Things to avoid include:
- Meat pies – hot gravy spilling onto fingers and laps make for a major distraction
- Very full sandwiches with lots of filling
- Sushi (although if it’s well made so it doesn’t fall to bits and you have the carton handy on your lap you can get away with it – and I think sushi merits your full attention)
- Anything that requires a fork, spoon or chopsticks
- Burgers
- Anything you’re allergic to
- Individually wrapped sweets
The technique for eating in the car while driving is as follows:
Step 1: Put self in driver’s seat, put on seat belt and place snack on lap or bench seat, or arrange it in a paper cup in the cupholder. Open packets or pick plastic stickers off as needed.
Step 2: Take first mouthful and start ignition. Put snack back. Back out drive, etc.
Step 3: During quiet moment of driving (low traffic, straight road, waiting at the lights), grab another bite and put snack down on lap.
Step 4: Put hands back on wheel and/or gear lever and continue driving while chewing mouthful thoroughly. If you have to do anything more complicated than drive in a straight line, keep both hands on the wheel and off the snack (carrot sticks may be left in the mouth like a healthy cigar equivalent during hairy manoeuvres).
Step 5: Repeat Steps 3 and 4 as needed.
Don’t forget to remove apple cores, apricot pips and empty packets from the car at the end of your drive!
Safe and happy driving,
Megan
The Toughest Place To Get Your Licence
So you thought that the practical driving test that you had for getting your driver’s licence was hard. I know I did. Didn’t help that the cop who put me through my paces when I was a timid wee lass of 17 was built like a brick outhouse (fine for dealing with the local drunk and disorderlies; terrifying for a nervous teenager). However, the most difficult thing I got asked to do was to back around a corner – something that I’d never heard of or seen done so I initially suspected some sort of trap. Also, the small town where I sat my licence was out that back of nowhere, and there were no hills for hill starts, no uncontrolled intersections and, courtesy of the local council planners, no parallel parking in the main street. I practically got my licence out of a cereal packet.
It’s a different story on the other side of the world in Finland. I don’t think that I’d manage to get my driver’s licence even now that mumble-mumble years have gone by and my teenage son is preparing to sit his practical test for the second time (failed the first time for not having parallel parking down pat). Most of us don’t know an awful lot about Finland except that it’s up near the Arctic, borders Sweden, is the home of Nokia and produces rally drivers with names that look like they ought to belong to Tolkien characters. Good rally drivers. And given what you need to do before you get your licence, this isn’t surprising.
The theory test you get in Finland is pretty much like the one you’d get in most parts of the world – a set of questions with illustrations showing different scenarios, to which you have to apply your knowledge of the road code (which you probably spent the previous night swotting). After that, the practical driving begins. No being taught by Mum and Dad for the Finns: it’s driving school for two years unless Mum and Dad have an instructors’ permit and the family car (what’s the betting that it’s going to be a Saab or Volvo from across the border?) is fitted up with an extra pair of brake pedals for the front passenger. And you can’t get that provisional licence equivalent until you’re 18. Which means you get your full licence at 20, and it’s valid for another 50 years.
Driving school isn’t just a case of endless three-point turns and parallel parks in a safe environment. Safeish environment, yes – including computer simulations for situations that the instructors can’t make happen just like that… like night driving.
I have to say that the driving course does look quite fun. There’s quite a good video clip about it.
I certainly wish that I had gone through this course, with its controlled skids on icy roads, moose avoidance tests and car maintenance lessons. This sort of thing, especially the skidding bit, has two advantages. If you’re a Nervous Nelly like I used to be, being taught how to handle a skid (and what sort of action will get you into a skid) will make you more confident in your ability and you’ll thus be less likely to panic and freeze if things do get hairy. If you are at the opposite end of the spectrum and a bit of a hoon, then this will get all the skidding out of your system. Unless you go on to be a rally driver.
We might not get the super icy roads over here in Australia or even in New Zealand, or at least not as icy as that driving course looks. But we do get rain and we do get gravel. So learning this sort of thing certainly doesn’t go amiss. Rural kids get a bit of an advantage here, as they have the opportunity of finding a large field that isn’t full of stock, crops or trees, then tearing around like crazy doing doughnuts, fishtails and slides. Rural kids also know all too well that a large animal is likely to appear around the corner at random and either learn to take care around corners just in case or else how to dodge things. However, they can go to pieces when confronted with multilane roundabouts, right turns in heavy traffic and other delights of city driving. There needs to be some sort of exchange programme going on – shouldn’t be that hard…
Other countries have other interesting requirements for getting handed that piece of paper that allows you to drive. In Switzerland, you have to have done a first aid course. In Brazil, you have to have done a self-defence course. In Russia, you have to have a certificate saying that you’re sane (guess a number of former Tsars and other leaders of this country wouldn’t have passed). In Saudi Arabia, you have to have male genitalia, a Y chromosome and probably a beard. Yes, folks, in the place where a lot of the world’s petrol comes from, I wouldn’t have had a chance of getting a licence on the grounds of gender.
Safe and happy driving,
Megan
Level 2, 9 Help Street